I came across this post and thought of no better place to link to it than Poo and You headquarters.
Just when you thought people had gotten as bizarre as they could get....
http://www.dlisted.com/node/24525
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Hey Peter, I Can Smell Your Ass From Here
I am dedicating today's post to my cousin Ruth. She was on a flight yesterday that included the distinct nasal experience of having a seat at the back of the plane.
This same letter was sent to me by a friend after I had my own experience of this special kind a few years ago.
Seat 29e -- Airline Bathroom Row
This same letter was sent to me by a friend after I had my own experience of this special kind a few years ago.
Seat 29e -- Airline Bathroom Row
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Does Anyone Have a Pocket Plunger?
This is the toilety little tale from a dinner I had with my brother and some other family at my uncle's house. My brother relocated up to Northern California for work about a year and a half ago and stayed with this aunt and uncle for about a month when he got into to town. Being the toilet seat Sal is, he gets a lot of tail and quickly went into Ladies Man mode and landed a waitress from the steakhouse across town. It had been a month or so and we were all dying to meet her. Finally, he brings her by after we are done eating, this particular evening.
I have no idea why Sal signs up for this, but of course my cousin instantly angles the conversation into "Tell your favorite Sal moment" stories, for the benefit of this girl -- and of course we all love to torture Sal. My uncle Joe goes first and we all know he is going to tell the Bedke story.
The Bedke's are this ranching family in Nevada and all the boys in our family go out there every October to hunt. Soooo..... the Sal/ Bedke story is a fabulous tale about how Sal had too much whiskey at the little bar in town, walked the wall to the men's room to poo, and then was too drunk to get himself off of the toilet. He starts yelling from the stall to my cousin Victor to help him up so he can wipe his ass (sidenote: we believe Victor told Sal to fuck off when he asked him to hold him up and that when Sal did manage to make it off the toilet, no real ass wiping took place). But Sal insists he wiped his ass (with Victor's assistance) and then someone threw him into the truck and he passed out.
Either way, it's pretty funny and we love what a tool Sal can be. Everyone is laughing their asses off and his g.f. is now saying she is not going to ask about Sal stories anymore (Whatever! We got me where that came from sister - don't be shy!). Shortly after this, I notice Sal is rubbing his stomach.
He heads down the hall and disappears into the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he comes out and is looking all over until my uncle asks him what's up. He needs a plunger. That's right -- on the heels of Sal Toilet History telling, he just made some more by plugging up the toilet -- again! We are all just sitting in the kitchen laughing our asses off as he keeps looking for the plunger grumbling that "this house has fucked up plumbing" But we know what's fucked up -- it's Sal's ass!
My uncle then reveals that Sal has plugged up the loo at least four or five times at his house already. This alarms me -- not just for my uncle's future house values if all of the damn toilets blow out, but also for Sal. How many other toilets has he plugged? How many lives and pipes shattered in his colonic aftermath? Something had to be done.
But what to do, what to do? In an effort to assist everyone involved, my cousin Ruth and I suggest a pocket plunger. We are summarily flipped of by Captain Turd himself. Not very nice when people are trying to help...sheesh.
I have no idea why Sal signs up for this, but of course my cousin instantly angles the conversation into "Tell your favorite Sal moment" stories, for the benefit of this girl -- and of course we all love to torture Sal. My uncle Joe goes first and we all know he is going to tell the Bedke story.
[Renactment photo]
The Bedke's are this ranching family in Nevada and all the boys in our family go out there every October to hunt. Soooo..... the Sal/ Bedke story is a fabulous tale about how Sal had too much whiskey at the little bar in town, walked the wall to the men's room to poo, and then was too drunk to get himself off of the toilet. He starts yelling from the stall to my cousin Victor to help him up so he can wipe his ass (sidenote: we believe Victor told Sal to fuck off when he asked him to hold him up and that when Sal did manage to make it off the toilet, no real ass wiping took place). But Sal insists he wiped his ass (with Victor's assistance) and then someone threw him into the truck and he passed out.
Either way, it's pretty funny and we love what a tool Sal can be. Everyone is laughing their asses off and his g.f. is now saying she is not going to ask about Sal stories anymore (Whatever! We got me where that came from sister - don't be shy!). Shortly after this, I notice Sal is rubbing his stomach.
He heads down the hall and disappears into the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he comes out and is looking all over until my uncle asks him what's up. He needs a plunger. That's right -- on the heels of Sal Toilet History telling, he just made some more by plugging up the toilet -- again! We are all just sitting in the kitchen laughing our asses off as he keeps looking for the plunger grumbling that "this house has fucked up plumbing" But we know what's fucked up -- it's Sal's ass!
My uncle then reveals that Sal has plugged up the loo at least four or five times at his house already. This alarms me -- not just for my uncle's future house values if all of the damn toilets blow out, but also for Sal. How many other toilets has he plugged? How many lives and pipes shattered in his colonic aftermath? Something had to be done.
But what to do, what to do? In an effort to assist everyone involved, my cousin Ruth and I suggest a pocket plunger. We are summarily flipped of by Captain Turd himself. Not very nice when people are trying to help...sheesh.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Great flick!
Had the pleasure of finally getting to see Anvil The Story of Anvil on Sunday. If you are a fan of metal or hard rock you won't want to miss it. Yes, there are a good deal of living Spinal Tap moments. Funny, to be sure. This film is also touching, so real that it leaves you wishing Anvil will succeed and finally have their dreams come true. 30 years is a long time to wait. Maybe they will end up movie stars instead of rock stars...
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
FOX CAVES!
Fox caves to White House pressure and moves American Idol voting to wednesday to avoid drawing ratings away from the President's speech.
Come on guys! I had my heart set on a ratings race...
Come on guys! I had my heart set on a ratings race...
Political Poo Part II
Tonight we will know for sure what the country REALLY thinks of the new Pres ... he is up against American Idol in the east and I predict the second group in the Top 36 Elimination Round will trounce the Bad News Bear.
The White House mouth piece was making the rounds this morning, trying to prep people to hear the merde that was coming tonight... the laughable plan to half the deficit in four years - but don't worry we won't hurt all you little guys, this one is on the back of the +250K folks 'cause in the mouth piece's estimation "those people are doing OK".
I guess this White House has decided that is the ceiling on the American Dream. So the big question is when the 300K guy gets hit with more staggering taxes, above the 35-45% he pays now, and he can no longer make his 10K a month house payments, defaults and faces foreclosure, will we bail him out?
And he said they had to do this because "Wall Street doesn't like deficits". But the +800B and the other 410B they are floating now aren't they all deficit spending?
The public isn't this dumb, I hope.... I vow we can still ID a steaming pile when we step in it.
The White House mouth piece was making the rounds this morning, trying to prep people to hear the merde that was coming tonight... the laughable plan to half the deficit in four years - but don't worry we won't hurt all you little guys, this one is on the back of the +250K folks 'cause in the mouth piece's estimation "those people are doing OK".
I guess this White House has decided that is the ceiling on the American Dream. So the big question is when the 300K guy gets hit with more staggering taxes, above the 35-45% he pays now, and he can no longer make his 10K a month house payments, defaults and faces foreclosure, will we bail him out?
And he said they had to do this because "Wall Street doesn't like deficits". But the +800B and the other 410B they are floating now aren't they all deficit spending?
The public isn't this dumb, I hope.... I vow we can still ID a steaming pile when we step in it.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Relive the CHART
It is wise to know your poo. In an effort to help you get more acquainted, I will attempt to supplement the turd sandwich board above, by providing some of the street lingo for the categories listed.
Type 1 poo is what is commonly referred to as Squirrel Poo. More than anything, they are enormously dissatisfying! It is one thing to make a baby smile by impersonating a little animal, and quite another to visit the loo and have your butt produce something a little forest creature should have left in the woods. Fiber will soften those little bad boys and link them together, making for a much more human looking poo.
Type 2 and 3 poos are your standard Grumpers. These are nice, healthy dukeys you can flush with pride and satisfaction -- bravo!
Type 4 turds do indeed take their street name from the description above of being snake-like. These are easy to leave off in a new pool, and generally easy to read [such as "corny" or "when did I have sesame seeds?" Depending on size, you could have anything from a little water Eel to a giant Anacanda knocking at your back door.
Type 5 is also known as Smoothy Poo. They have a tendency to ooze out and curl up on the side of the toilet bowl, looking like a gross version of soft serve ice cream. And no, eating soft serve won't give you a chronic case of Smoothy Poo. You most probably ate something that didn't quite agree with you though. Flush it down, and hope for a Grumper sort of day real soon.
Now we are getting in to some real sketchy territory.....
Type 6 poo can be caused by several different things, as evidenced by the variety of street names it goes by. Salad Shooter and Whiskey Butt being among the most common. Don't let the word "fluffy" in the description fool you, you definitely don't want to a Type 6er any longer than you have to be. A little less tequila, no more salad off the Roach Coach - do whatever it takes to get back to the lower number levels of poopydom.
Type 7 poo is no place to be my friends. This is I-could-shit-through-a-tennis-racket-at-50-paces-and-not-hit-a-strand type condition. Your butt is basically passing reclaimed sewer water. You are sick and you probably smell bad. "Urgency" doesn't even begin to do justice to the 9-1-1 alarm that is going off in your butt when all of that hits your back door. My advice would be to make the bathroom your home until this passes. Any other game plan is going to leave you doing a lot of gagging and mopping. Hope you feel better soon!
So, there you have it - a poo overview. I wish you all lots of Grumpers, and the occasional corny snake to change things up!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Poo Pic Du Jour
Ah yes -- Love is not the only international language. Pick Up After Your Damn Dog! is still widely used as well. Amen!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Political Poo
Since we currently are being served up a nice steaming bowl from our friends in Washington DC, and in keeping with our scatological theme, I am introducing a new feature: A place to take a tasty look at the most gut-twisting, the smelliest, the most misshaped Poo of all - Political Poo!
This week is a struggle to chose a topic - it was between the multi-trillion dollar pile of Squirrel Dink known as the "Stimulus Package"(which is guaranteed to make retched our destiny),
or the smoking ban in Belmont CA.
The Smoking Ban - only in CA could such a thing come down - of course in the state which has criminal statues to punish builders of sub-standard dog-houses. The community of Belmont has banned smoking in their citizens HOMES. But the softies gave them 14 months to move out if they don't like it.
Big Mommy (the State) has decided smoking is bad for you. So even though it is legal, even though the government collects tax on the offending cigarettes - Don't you dare light up in your apartment! Eviction, fines and prison await those desperate criminals who defy the all powerful city council.
Mark my words: Next they will be going after Bacon. I love bacon but I sadly concede no can make a case that it is good for you. And if it's not good, it's bad. If it's bad, Mommy is going to forbid you to have it - You'll thank her for it someday. Oh, and we need another 2 million in funds to organize, train and equip the Bacon Police. The Pork lobby is pissed, insisting that the Turkey lobby secretly backed the legislation...
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