FOX CAVES!

Fox caves to White House pressure and moves American Idol voting to wednesday to avoid drawing ratings away from the President's speech.

Come on guys! I had my heart set on a ratings race...

Political Poo Part II

Tonight we will know for sure what the country REALLY thinks of the new Pres ... he is up against American Idol in the east and I predict the second group in the Top 36 Elimination Round will trounce the Bad News Bear.

The White House mouth piece was making the rounds this morning, trying to prep people to hear the merde that was coming tonight... the laughable plan to half the deficit in four years - but don't worry we won't hurt all you little guys, this one is on the back of the +250K folks 'cause in the mouth piece's estimation "those people are doing OK".

I guess this White House has decided that is the ceiling on the American Dream. So the big question is when the 300K guy gets hit with more staggering taxes, above the 35-45% he pays now, and he can no longer make his 10K a month house payments, defaults and faces foreclosure, will we bail him out?

And he said they had to do this because "Wall Street doesn't like deficits". But the +800B and the other 410B they are floating now aren't they all deficit spending?

The public isn't this dumb, I hope.... I vow we can still ID a steaming pile when we step in it.

Relive the CHART

It is wise to know your poo. In an effort to help you get more acquainted, I will attempt to supplement the turd sandwich board above, by providing some of the street lingo for the categories listed.

Type 1 poo is what is commonly referred to as Squirrel Poo. More than anything, they are enormously dissatisfying! It is one thing to make a baby smile by impersonating a little animal, and quite another to visit the loo and have your butt produce something a little forest creature should have left in the woods. Fiber will soften those little bad boys and link them together, making for a much more human looking poo.

Type 2 and 3 poos are your standard Grumpers. These are nice, healthy dukeys you can flush with pride and satisfaction -- bravo!

Type 4 turds do indeed take their street name from the description above of being snake-like. These are easy to leave off in a new pool, and generally easy to read [such as "corny" or "when did I have sesame seeds?" Depending on size, you could have anything from a little water Eel to a giant Anacanda knocking at your back door.

Type 5 is also known as Smoothy Poo. They have a tendency to ooze out and curl up on the side of the toilet bowl, looking like a gross version of soft serve ice cream. And no, eating soft serve won't give you a chronic case of Smoothy Poo. You most probably ate something that didn't quite agree with you though. Flush it down, and hope for a Grumper sort of day real soon.

Now we are getting in to some real sketchy territory.....

Type 6 poo can be caused by several different things, as evidenced by the variety of street names it goes by. Salad Shooter and Whiskey Butt being among the most common. Don't let the word "fluffy" in the description fool you, you definitely don't want to a Type 6er any longer than you have to be. A little less tequila, no more salad off the Roach Coach - do whatever it takes to get back to the lower number levels of poopydom.

Type 7 poo is no place to be my friends. This is I-could-shit-through-a-tennis-racket-at-50-paces-and-not-hit-a-strand type condition. Your butt is basically passing reclaimed sewer water. You are sick and you probably smell bad. "Urgency" doesn't even begin to do justice to the 9-1-1 alarm that is going off in your butt when all of that hits your back door. My advice would be to make the bathroom your home until this passes. Any other game plan is going to leave you doing a lot of gagging and mopping. Hope you feel better soon!

So, there you have it - a poo overview. I wish you all lots of Grumpers, and the occasional corny snake to change things up!

Poo Pic Du Jour

Ah yes -- Love is not the only international language. Pick Up After Your Damn Dog! is still widely used as well. Amen!

Political Poo

Since we currently are being served up a nice steaming bowl from our friends in Washington DC, and in keeping with our scatological theme, I am introducing a new feature:   A place to take a tasty look at the most gut-twisting, the smelliest, the most misshaped Poo of all - Political Poo! 

This week is a struggle to chose a topic - it was between the multi-trillion dollar pile of Squirrel Dink known as the "Stimulus Package"(which is guaranteed to make retched our destiny),

   or the smoking ban in Belmont CA.

The Smoking Ban - only in CA could such a thing come down  - of course in the state which has criminal statues to punish builders of sub-standard dog-houses. The community of Belmont has banned smoking in their citizens HOMES.  But the softies gave them 14 months to move out if they don't like it.  

Big Mommy (the State)  has decided smoking is bad for you.  So even though it is legal, even though the government collects tax on the offending cigarettes - Don't you dare light up in your apartment! Eviction, fines and prison await those desperate criminals who defy the all powerful city council. 

Mark my words: Next they will be going after Bacon. I love bacon but I sadly concede no can make a case that it is good for you. And if it's not good, it's bad.  If it's bad, Mommy is going to forbid you to have it - You'll thank her for it someday. Oh, and we need another 2 million in funds to organize, train and equip the Bacon Police.  The Pork lobby is pissed, insisting that the Turkey lobby secretly backed the legislation...