The best holiday gift ever!!!

The perfect poopie gift! Hide paper clips in the toilet and and a pen in his teeth...a must for every busy executive!

Have a Poo-pee Holiday!!!

Fecal Funny Friday

Scroll down, smile and have yourself a little chuckle because this shit right here is funny. Happy Friday!

A Miracle Is Never Old News

I heard about this when it first hit the news, and I have been meaning to do a post ever since.

Long story short, apparently God so loved the world he decided to send his virgin mother's image to us....in the form of......loose stool from a bird's pipe.

I'm not making this shit up. ABC and many other news agencies actually reported on it.

A miracle. Moved by the grace of the spirit. Touched by a bird's ass.

What?! Come on, people aren't really buying this crap, (full pun intended party people) are they?

If you watch the video, there is no shame in anyone's game as they gush over the miraculousness of dried poo on some dude's truck mirror.

They're full of it, right? I mean, come on. Our creator actually expects us to draw the sacred from this? In these troubled times, what message are we supposed to take away?

Bird poo? Really?

But what if....

What if the Divine really is trying to shine through shit? Trying to reach out to us. Send a message. Let's suspend doody disbelief, and go with it. However, I offer you this: The supposed miracle detailed above is simply not grandiose enough.

Here is how I like to envision it.

A zookeeper enters the Elephant enclosure early on a Sunday morning. The zoo won't open for visitors for several hours, so it's very quiet as he works. The hills in the background are misty and the there is a golden Sun Ray coming down right over the pen. A truly glorious morning. After water troughs are replenished and hay bins refilled, Jesus grabs his shovel and prepares to muck out the stalls.

As he enters the enclosure the sight before him takes his breath away. There on the concrete floor is a giant pile of dung, and in the center is a perfect image of the heavenly father. Swathed in a deep red robe, one hand outstretched, the other over his heart. He smiles peacefully as he lovingly looks up at Jesus. His halo and the surrounding divinity glow coming through the pile have filled the room with a soft yellow light.

This humble zookeeper can't believe his eyes. As he steps closer a voice emanates from the heap before him, "Jesus my son, I love you and I want you to be happy."

As tears stream down his face he replies, "Yes Father, thank you for showing yourself to me. I have loved you all of my life."

After a few moments, the image starts to fade and the light around this miracle starts to dim. Seeing this, Jesus fills with urgency. Surely, there must be something God has come to tell him to do. A special task he must carry out to save the world.

He stammers, "My father, before you go, is there any way I can serve? I am here to do your will."

God smiles again and says, "Yes my son there is. Clean up this shit."

Shit Or Get Off The Pot Is Right!

I came across this post and thought of no better place to link to it than Poo and You headquarters.

Just when you thought people had gotten as bizarre as they could get....

http://www.dlisted.com/node/24525

Hey Peter, I Can Smell Your Ass From Here

I am dedicating today's post to my cousin Ruth. She was on a flight yesterday that included the distinct nasal experience of having a seat at the back of the plane.

This same letter was sent to me by a friend after I had my own experience of this special kind a few years ago.

Seat 29e -- Airline Bathroom Row

NL We are here

The Moose is an honorary partner! Nothing Left LLC officially kicks off!

Does Anyone Have a Pocket Plunger?

This is the toilety little tale from a dinner I had with my brother and some other family at my uncle's house. My brother relocated up to Northern California for work about a year and a half ago and stayed with this aunt and uncle for about a month when he got into to town. Being the toilet seat Sal is, he gets a lot of tail and quickly went into Ladies Man mode and landed a waitress from the steakhouse across town. It had been a month or so and we were all dying to meet her. Finally, he brings her by after we are done eating, this particular evening.

I have no idea why Sal signs up for this, but of course my cousin instantly angles the conversation into "Tell your favorite Sal moment" stories, for the benefit of this girl -- and of course we all love to torture Sal. My uncle Joe goes first and we all know he is going to tell the Bedke story.

[Renactment photo]

The Bedke's are this ranching family in Nevada and all the boys in our family go out there every October to hunt. Soooo..... the Sal/ Bedke story is a fabulous tale about how Sal had too much whiskey at the little bar in town, walked the wall to the men's room to poo, and then was too drunk to get himself off of the toilet. He starts yelling from the stall to my cousin Victor to help him up so he can wipe his ass (sidenote: we believe Victor told Sal to fuck off when he asked him to hold him up and that when Sal did manage to make it off the toilet, no real ass wiping took place). But Sal insists he wiped his ass (with Victor's assistance) and then someone threw him into the truck and he passed out.

Either way, it's pretty funny and we love what a tool Sal can be. Everyone is laughing their asses off and his g.f. is now saying she is not going to ask about Sal stories anymore (Whatever! We got me where that came from sister - don't be shy!). Shortly after this, I notice Sal is rubbing his stomach.

He heads down the hall and disappears into the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he comes out and is looking all over until my uncle asks him what's up. He needs a plunger. That's right -- on the heels of Sal Toilet History telling, he just made some more by plugging up the toilet -- again! We are all just sitting in the kitchen laughing our asses off as he keeps looking for the plunger grumbling that "this house has fucked up plumbing" But we know what's fucked up -- it's Sal's ass!

My uncle then reveals that Sal has plugged up the loo at least four or five times at his house already. This alarms me -- not just for my uncle's future house values if all of the damn toilets blow out, but also for Sal. How many other toilets has he plugged? How many lives and pipes shattered in his colonic aftermath? Something had to be done.

But what to do, what to do? In an effort to assist everyone involved, my cousin Ruth and I suggest a pocket plunger. We are summarily flipped of by Captain Turd himself. Not very nice when people are trying to help...sheesh.

Great flick!

Had the pleasure of finally getting to see Anvil  The Story of Anvil on Sunday.  If you are a fan of metal or hard rock you won't want to miss it.  Yes, there are a good deal of living Spinal Tap moments.  Funny, to be sure.   This film is also touching, so real that it leaves you wishing Anvil will succeed and finally have their dreams come true.  30 years is a long time to wait.  

Maybe they will end up movie stars instead of rock stars...

Tax Day

Tax day seems like a great day to blog about Poo...

FOX CAVES!

Fox caves to White House pressure and moves American Idol voting to wednesday to avoid drawing ratings away from the President's speech.

Come on guys! I had my heart set on a ratings race...

Political Poo Part II

Tonight we will know for sure what the country REALLY thinks of the new Pres ... he is up against American Idol in the east and I predict the second group in the Top 36 Elimination Round will trounce the Bad News Bear.

The White House mouth piece was making the rounds this morning, trying to prep people to hear the merde that was coming tonight... the laughable plan to half the deficit in four years - but don't worry we won't hurt all you little guys, this one is on the back of the +250K folks 'cause in the mouth piece's estimation "those people are doing OK".

I guess this White House has decided that is the ceiling on the American Dream. So the big question is when the 300K guy gets hit with more staggering taxes, above the 35-45% he pays now, and he can no longer make his 10K a month house payments, defaults and faces foreclosure, will we bail him out?

And he said they had to do this because "Wall Street doesn't like deficits". But the +800B and the other 410B they are floating now aren't they all deficit spending?

The public isn't this dumb, I hope.... I vow we can still ID a steaming pile when we step in it.

Relive the CHART

It is wise to know your poo. In an effort to help you get more acquainted, I will attempt to supplement the turd sandwich board above, by providing some of the street lingo for the categories listed.

Type 1 poo is what is commonly referred to as Squirrel Poo. More than anything, they are enormously dissatisfying! It is one thing to make a baby smile by impersonating a little animal, and quite another to visit the loo and have your butt produce something a little forest creature should have left in the woods. Fiber will soften those little bad boys and link them together, making for a much more human looking poo.

Type 2 and 3 poos are your standard Grumpers. These are nice, healthy dukeys you can flush with pride and satisfaction -- bravo!

Type 4 turds do indeed take their street name from the description above of being snake-like. These are easy to leave off in a new pool, and generally easy to read [such as "corny" or "when did I have sesame seeds?" Depending on size, you could have anything from a little water Eel to a giant Anacanda knocking at your back door.

Type 5 is also known as Smoothy Poo. They have a tendency to ooze out and curl up on the side of the toilet bowl, looking like a gross version of soft serve ice cream. And no, eating soft serve won't give you a chronic case of Smoothy Poo. You most probably ate something that didn't quite agree with you though. Flush it down, and hope for a Grumper sort of day real soon.

Now we are getting in to some real sketchy territory.....

Type 6 poo can be caused by several different things, as evidenced by the variety of street names it goes by. Salad Shooter and Whiskey Butt being among the most common. Don't let the word "fluffy" in the description fool you, you definitely don't want to a Type 6er any longer than you have to be. A little less tequila, no more salad off the Roach Coach - do whatever it takes to get back to the lower number levels of poopydom.

Type 7 poo is no place to be my friends. This is I-could-shit-through-a-tennis-racket-at-50-paces-and-not-hit-a-strand type condition. Your butt is basically passing reclaimed sewer water. You are sick and you probably smell bad. "Urgency" doesn't even begin to do justice to the 9-1-1 alarm that is going off in your butt when all of that hits your back door. My advice would be to make the bathroom your home until this passes. Any other game plan is going to leave you doing a lot of gagging and mopping. Hope you feel better soon!

So, there you have it - a poo overview. I wish you all lots of Grumpers, and the occasional corny snake to change things up!

Poo Pic Du Jour

Ah yes -- Love is not the only international language. Pick Up After Your Damn Dog! is still widely used as well. Amen!

Political Poo

Since we currently are being served up a nice steaming bowl from our friends in Washington DC, and in keeping with our scatological theme, I am introducing a new feature:   A place to take a tasty look at the most gut-twisting, the smelliest, the most misshaped Poo of all - Political Poo! 

This week is a struggle to chose a topic - it was between the multi-trillion dollar pile of Squirrel Dink known as the "Stimulus Package"(which is guaranteed to make retched our destiny),

   or the smoking ban in Belmont CA.

The Smoking Ban - only in CA could such a thing come down  - of course in the state which has criminal statues to punish builders of sub-standard dog-houses. The community of Belmont has banned smoking in their citizens HOMES.  But the softies gave them 14 months to move out if they don't like it.  

Big Mommy (the State)  has decided smoking is bad for you.  So even though it is legal, even though the government collects tax on the offending cigarettes - Don't you dare light up in your apartment! Eviction, fines and prison await those desperate criminals who defy the all powerful city council. 

Mark my words: Next they will be going after Bacon. I love bacon but I sadly concede no can make a case that it is good for you. And if it's not good, it's bad.  If it's bad, Mommy is going to forbid you to have it - You'll thank her for it someday. Oh, and we need another 2 million in funds to organize, train and equip the Bacon Police.  The Pork lobby is pissed, insisting that the Turkey lobby secretly backed the legislation...

Poo and You Poll

Does your Pooch have a special Poo spot?

Glenn Beck Taking You Toiletside For The Inauguration

Following is a transcript from The Glenn Beck Show asking the questions that really matter. Click here to read the full article, or play the audio.

They are expecting millions of people to show up on the mall, and how many Porta-Potties are they going to have on the mall? How many Porta-Potties are they going to have there for an estimated crowd of 4 million people. 4 million people, if you went in and had to get a permit to do, you know, a big event anywhere, in any city in America and you said, I've got 4 million people showing up, how many Porta-Potties would you need? Can you call Kevin real quick or Google? You have -- oh, you have it? How many Porta-Potties? We have the strangest meetings at 6:00 or 7:00 in the morning. Kevin walked in and I said, Kevin, I need a little bit of research done. An! d he said, sure, okay, what do you need? I said, I need the number of Porta-Potties that would be needed for a party of about 4 million people. He said, what? I said, I need a Porta-Potty count. All right. Wrote it down. So how many Porta-Potties, if it was just you or me, how many would you need to get your permit?

STU: The U.S. Park Service says the rule of thumb is one Porta-Potty -- and this is going to make you feel really clean -- one Porta-Potty for every 300 people, okay? So the way they're kind of getting around the 5,000 Porta-Potties is their official estimates for the inauguration is 1.5 million.

GLENN: The official? This is the only time we have ever heard any crowd count in Washington be low. They are always like, "There are four people out there." "There were 14 million people on the White House lawn protesting." There were four people! Now the estimate, you know and I know, the estimates are as high as four million people.

STU: Yeah. And by that rule of thumb if you had four million people that actually showed up for the inauguration, you would need 13,333 Porta-Potties.

GLENN: Or they would not give you a permit.

STU: There are a lot of different regulations, but that is what the U.S. park service says is the standard. So if --

GLENN: What are the -- wait, wait, wait. What are the exceptions? If you were a government agency?

STU: Well, again not being a legal authority on Porta-Potty use, this is what the news is reporting is the supposed standard.

GLENN: If the Boy Scouts did this, could they get the permit with 5,000 Porta-Potties?

STU: I mean, in reality?

GLENN: Sorry. Boy Scouts can't use public land. What was I thinking? What a hate mongering group those guys are. 5,000 Porta-Potties. They should have 13,000 Porta-Potties. But the government is allowing this to happen. Again, would the government allow you to do that? No. Crown him on Tuesday.

(OUT 11:42)

GLENN: Okay, I've got another update from the poor man that I have relegated today to spend his day in Porta-Potty hell, Kevin. Okay, I just said that there are 5,000 Porta-Potties coming for the inauguration, and I asked if that could be done by the average person. No. It's 5,000 is -- they are estimating the crowd low. Does anybody know what the crowd was at the last inauguration? A million people? Were there a million people there? Find out what it was. You know, go for Reagan's. What was Reagan's? Go for the last big one, Clinton maybe. How many people were there? Now, this one's going to be historic. So you know it's going to be -- there's 600 rooms left in all of Washington D.C. in the area, 600 rooms.

So you're looking now at at least double anything that's ever been done probably. Estimates are as high as four million. You need 13,000 Porta-Potties for four million people. But Kevin tells me now, as he comes in during the break, he said that's only half the story. As the writer of The Real Story, Kevin, what's the real story on the number of Porta-Potties?

KEVIN: Well, of course, if you go through and you want to have a federal party on federal land, you go through I guess the National Park Service. So as an uncomfortable federal party, the rule would be 300:1. But if you want to have a private --

GLENN: Wait, wait, let me understand this. If I am federal, if I'm a government agency.

KEVIN: Right.

GLENN: I have to have how many?

KEVIN: It's 300, for every 300 people, one Porta-Potty.

GLENN: If I'm part of the federal government -- now again, I'm just looking for disenfranchisement. Does our government have to live by the same rules that we do? 300 people for every one Porta-Potty. But if you're private --

KEVIN: Right. If you want to, if you are a corporation or you just want to have a private party in D.C., you go through the department of, I think it's parks and recreation. And there's a convenient form online that you can go and fill out and along with your form which I think is $65 per 50 people, you will also have to send them a certificate showing that you have one Porta-Potty for every 75 people that are attending.

GLENN: So if we use what you would have to use, if this wasn't the federal government making -- again let's suspend all of the environmental laws so we can build a fence. That's what the government has just done. Now it's, we don't even have to live by our own rules because it's excessive, you can't afford it, it's crazy. But who cares; we make the rules. How many Porta-Potties would this event need?

KEVIN: I think the math was somewhere in the 53,000 range if you had four million people.

GLENN: So the federal government is providing 5,000 Porta-Potties for Tuesday, but if it was a private industry that had to do it, they would need a certificate verifying that if estimates were as high as four million people that you would need 53?

KEVIN: 53,000.

GLENN: 53,000. But no more than 53,000.

A Cry Was Heard...

A screech was heard...a power line in Switzerland was knocked out by a flying turd!

GENEVA (AFP) — A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.

The art work, titled "Complex Shit", is the size of a house. The wind carried it 200 metres (yards) from the Paul Klee Centre in Berne before it fell back to Earth in the grounds of a children's home, said museum director Juri Steiner.

The inflatable turd broke the window at the children's home when it blew away on the night of July 31, Steiner said. The art work has a safety system which normally makes it deflate when there is a storm, but this did not work when it blew away.

Steiner said McCarthy had not yet been contacted and the museum was not sure if the piece would be put back on display.

Aw come on, his shit don't stink -- put it back up for all to see!

Perhaps Medical Science is WRONG!!!!

What if current dogma is totally wrong?  There was a Harvard University study that showed, after years of telling everyone to eat fiber, that the amount of fiber in your diet had zero impact on colon cancer incidence. And what was Medical Sciences reaction???? "Well, we think you should eat the fiber any way"!!! (Obviously they thought the FSM was tampering with the results, although they lacked the moral courage to say so!) 

What is the agenda here? Is it just a sadistic plot to inflict gas? A hankering for the sound of the pitatooni  ringing out in the night?  

What if what your colon would really like is to take a friggin break? You know, maybe work on some nice oysters or tiramisu? 

"I'll take a Type 3 to go please"

It is wise to know your poo. In an effort to help you get more acquainted, I will attempt to supplement the turd sandwich board above, by providing some of the street lingo for the categories listed.

Type 1 poo is what is commonly referred to as Squirrel Poo. More than anything, they are enormously dissatisfying! It is one thing to make a baby smile by impersonating a little animal, and quite another to visit the loo and have your butt produce something a little forest creature should have left in the woods. Fiber will soften those little bad boys and link them together, making for a much more human looking poo.

Type 2 and 3 poos are your standard Grumpers. These are nice, healthy dukeys you can flush with pride and satisfaction -- bravo!

Type 4 turds do indeed take their street name from the description above of being snake-like. These are easy to leave off in a new pool, and generally easy to read [such as "corny" or "when did I have sesame seeds?" Depending on size, you could have anything from a little water Eel to a giant Anacanda knocking at your back door.

Type 5 is also known as Smoothy Poo. They have a tendency to ooze out and curl up on the side of the toilet bowl, looking like a gross version of soft serve ice cream. And no, eating soft serve won't give you a chronic case of Smoothy Poo. You most probably ate something that didn't quite agree with you though. Flush it down, and hope for a Grumper sort of day real soon.

Now we are getting in to some real sketchy territory.....

Type 6 poo can be caused by several different things, as evidenced by the variety of street names it goes by. Salad Shooter and Whiskey Butt being among the most common. Don't let the word "fluffy" in the description fool you, you definitely don't want to a Type 6er any longer than you have to be. A little less tequila, no more salad off the Roach Coach - do whatever it takes to get back to the lower number levels of poopydom.

Type 7 poo is no place to be my friends. This is I-could-shit-through-a-tennis-racket-at-50-paces-and-not-hit-a-strand type condition. Your butt is basically passing reclaimed sewer water. You are sick and you probably smell bad. "Urgency" doesn't even begin to do justice to the 9-1-1 alarm that is going off in your butt when all of that hits your back door. My advice would be to make the bathroom your home until this passes. Any other game plan is going to leave you doing a lot of gagging and mopping. Hope you feel better soon!

So, there you have it - a poo overview. I wish you all lots of Grumpers, and the occasional corny snake to change things up!

A New Year's Resolution For Your Colon

Like you, your colon has just kicked off 2009 as well; working hard every day to make sure you don't get backed up.

Would you like to say thank you, I appreciate you, I would be in awful pain without you?

Say it with something healthy and whole whole grain. The way to your colon's heart is through fiber my friends.

From Wikipedia: On average, North Americans consume less than 50% of the dietary fiber levels required for good health. In the preferred food choices of today's youth, this value may be as low as 20%, a factor considered by experts as contributing to the obesity crisis seen in many developed countries.

Recognizing the growing scientific evidence for physiological benefits of increased fiber intake, regulatory agencies such as the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) have given approvals to food products making health claims for fiber.

In clinical trials to date, these fiber sources were shown to significantly reduce blood cholesterol levels, an important factor for general cardiovascular health, and to lower risk of onset for some types of cancer.

Soluble (fermentable) fiber sources gaining FDA approval are

* Psyllium seed husk (7 grams per day)

* Beta-glucan from oat bran, whole oats, oatrim or rolled oats (3 grams per day)

* Beta-glucan from whole grain or dry-milled barley (3 grams per day)

Other examples of fermentable fiber sources (from plant foods or biotechnology) used in functional foods and supplements include inulin, resistant dextrins, fructans, xanthan gum, cellulose, guar gum, fructooligosaccharides (FOS) and oligo- or polysaccharides.

Consistent intake of fermentable fiber through foods like berries and other fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains, seeds and nuts is now known to reduce risk of some of the world’s most prevalent diseases — obesity, diabetes, high blood cholesterol, cardiovascular disease, and numerous gastrointestinal disorders. In this last category are constipation, inflammatory bowel disease, ulcerative colitis, hemorrhoids, Crohn’s disease, diverticulitis, and colon cancer — all disorders of the intestinal tract where fermentable fiber can provide healthful benefits.

Insufficient fiber in the diet can complicate defecation. Low-fiber feces are dehydrated and hardened, making them difficult to evacuate — defining constipation and possibly leading to development of hemorrhoids or anal fissures.

Although many researchers believe that dietary fiber intake reduces risk of colon cancer, one study conducted by researchers at the Harvard School of Medicine of over 88,000 women did not show a statistically significant relationship between higher fiber consumption and lower rates of colorectal cancer or adenomas.

So let's bulk up our colons in 2009 and really show our rectum we care! Happy New Year to you all, and to all a good poo!

And another thing...

Oh... And Happy New Year!!!

Christmas POO talk

After our lovely (1st annual?) Christmas POO talk I would  like to share: I think caught what Miss D was describing...maybe it is sympathy POO...