Poo and You Poll

Does your Pooch have a special Poo spot?

Glenn Beck Taking You Toiletside For The Inauguration

Following is a transcript from The Glenn Beck Show asking the questions that really matter. Click here to read the full article, or play the audio.

They are expecting millions of people to show up on the mall, and how many Porta-Potties are they going to have on the mall? How many Porta-Potties are they going to have there for an estimated crowd of 4 million people. 4 million people, if you went in and had to get a permit to do, you know, a big event anywhere, in any city in America and you said, I've got 4 million people showing up, how many Porta-Potties would you need? Can you call Kevin real quick or Google? You have -- oh, you have it? How many Porta-Potties? We have the strangest meetings at 6:00 or 7:00 in the morning. Kevin walked in and I said, Kevin, I need a little bit of research done. An! d he said, sure, okay, what do you need? I said, I need the number of Porta-Potties that would be needed for a party of about 4 million people. He said, what? I said, I need a Porta-Potty count. All right. Wrote it down. So how many Porta-Potties, if it was just you or me, how many would you need to get your permit?

STU: The U.S. Park Service says the rule of thumb is one Porta-Potty -- and this is going to make you feel really clean -- one Porta-Potty for every 300 people, okay? So the way they're kind of getting around the 5,000 Porta-Potties is their official estimates for the inauguration is 1.5 million.

GLENN: The official? This is the only time we have ever heard any crowd count in Washington be low. They are always like, "There are four people out there." "There were 14 million people on the White House lawn protesting." There were four people! Now the estimate, you know and I know, the estimates are as high as four million people.

STU: Yeah. And by that rule of thumb if you had four million people that actually showed up for the inauguration, you would need 13,333 Porta-Potties.

GLENN: Or they would not give you a permit.

STU: There are a lot of different regulations, but that is what the U.S. park service says is the standard. So if --

GLENN: What are the -- wait, wait, wait. What are the exceptions? If you were a government agency?

STU: Well, again not being a legal authority on Porta-Potty use, this is what the news is reporting is the supposed standard.

GLENN: If the Boy Scouts did this, could they get the permit with 5,000 Porta-Potties?

STU: I mean, in reality?

GLENN: Sorry. Boy Scouts can't use public land. What was I thinking? What a hate mongering group those guys are. 5,000 Porta-Potties. They should have 13,000 Porta-Potties. But the government is allowing this to happen. Again, would the government allow you to do that? No. Crown him on Tuesday.

(OUT 11:42)

GLENN: Okay, I've got another update from the poor man that I have relegated today to spend his day in Porta-Potty hell, Kevin. Okay, I just said that there are 5,000 Porta-Potties coming for the inauguration, and I asked if that could be done by the average person. No. It's 5,000 is -- they are estimating the crowd low. Does anybody know what the crowd was at the last inauguration? A million people? Were there a million people there? Find out what it was. You know, go for Reagan's. What was Reagan's? Go for the last big one, Clinton maybe. How many people were there? Now, this one's going to be historic. So you know it's going to be -- there's 600 rooms left in all of Washington D.C. in the area, 600 rooms.

So you're looking now at at least double anything that's ever been done probably. Estimates are as high as four million. You need 13,000 Porta-Potties for four million people. But Kevin tells me now, as he comes in during the break, he said that's only half the story. As the writer of The Real Story, Kevin, what's the real story on the number of Porta-Potties?

KEVIN: Well, of course, if you go through and you want to have a federal party on federal land, you go through I guess the National Park Service. So as an uncomfortable federal party, the rule would be 300:1. But if you want to have a private --

GLENN: Wait, wait, let me understand this. If I am federal, if I'm a government agency.

KEVIN: Right.

GLENN: I have to have how many?

KEVIN: It's 300, for every 300 people, one Porta-Potty.

GLENN: If I'm part of the federal government -- now again, I'm just looking for disenfranchisement. Does our government have to live by the same rules that we do? 300 people for every one Porta-Potty. But if you're private --

KEVIN: Right. If you want to, if you are a corporation or you just want to have a private party in D.C., you go through the department of, I think it's parks and recreation. And there's a convenient form online that you can go and fill out and along with your form which I think is $65 per 50 people, you will also have to send them a certificate showing that you have one Porta-Potty for every 75 people that are attending.

GLENN: So if we use what you would have to use, if this wasn't the federal government making -- again let's suspend all of the environmental laws so we can build a fence. That's what the government has just done. Now it's, we don't even have to live by our own rules because it's excessive, you can't afford it, it's crazy. But who cares; we make the rules. How many Porta-Potties would this event need?

KEVIN: I think the math was somewhere in the 53,000 range if you had four million people.

GLENN: So the federal government is providing 5,000 Porta-Potties for Tuesday, but if it was a private industry that had to do it, they would need a certificate verifying that if estimates were as high as four million people that you would need 53?

KEVIN: 53,000.

GLENN: 53,000. But no more than 53,000.

A Cry Was Heard...

A screech was heard...a power line in Switzerland was knocked out by a flying turd!

GENEVA (AFP) — A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.

The art work, titled "Complex Shit", is the size of a house. The wind carried it 200 metres (yards) from the Paul Klee Centre in Berne before it fell back to Earth in the grounds of a children's home, said museum director Juri Steiner.

The inflatable turd broke the window at the children's home when it blew away on the night of July 31, Steiner said. The art work has a safety system which normally makes it deflate when there is a storm, but this did not work when it blew away.

Steiner said McCarthy had not yet been contacted and the museum was not sure if the piece would be put back on display.

Aw come on, his shit don't stink -- put it back up for all to see!

Perhaps Medical Science is WRONG!!!!

What if current dogma is totally wrong?  There was a Harvard University study that showed, after years of telling everyone to eat fiber, that the amount of fiber in your diet had zero impact on colon cancer incidence. And what was Medical Sciences reaction???? "Well, we think you should eat the fiber any way"!!! (Obviously they thought the FSM was tampering with the results, although they lacked the moral courage to say so!) 

What is the agenda here? Is it just a sadistic plot to inflict gas? A hankering for the sound of the pitatooni  ringing out in the night?  

What if what your colon would really like is to take a friggin break? You know, maybe work on some nice oysters or tiramisu? 

"I'll take a Type 3 to go please"

It is wise to know your poo. In an effort to help you get more acquainted, I will attempt to supplement the turd sandwich board above, by providing some of the street lingo for the categories listed.

Type 1 poo is what is commonly referred to as Squirrel Poo. More than anything, they are enormously dissatisfying! It is one thing to make a baby smile by impersonating a little animal, and quite another to visit the loo and have your butt produce something a little forest creature should have left in the woods. Fiber will soften those little bad boys and link them together, making for a much more human looking poo.

Type 2 and 3 poos are your standard Grumpers. These are nice, healthy dukeys you can flush with pride and satisfaction -- bravo!

Type 4 turds do indeed take their street name from the description above of being snake-like. These are easy to leave off in a new pool, and generally easy to read [such as "corny" or "when did I have sesame seeds?" Depending on size, you could have anything from a little water Eel to a giant Anacanda knocking at your back door.

Type 5 is also known as Smoothy Poo. They have a tendency to ooze out and curl up on the side of the toilet bowl, looking like a gross version of soft serve ice cream. And no, eating soft serve won't give you a chronic case of Smoothy Poo. You most probably ate something that didn't quite agree with you though. Flush it down, and hope for a Grumper sort of day real soon.

Now we are getting in to some real sketchy territory.....

Type 6 poo can be caused by several different things, as evidenced by the variety of street names it goes by. Salad Shooter and Whiskey Butt being among the most common. Don't let the word "fluffy" in the description fool you, you definitely don't want to a Type 6er any longer than you have to be. A little less tequila, no more salad off the Roach Coach - do whatever it takes to get back to the lower number levels of poopydom.

Type 7 poo is no place to be my friends. This is I-could-shit-through-a-tennis-racket-at-50-paces-and-not-hit-a-strand type condition. Your butt is basically passing reclaimed sewer water. You are sick and you probably smell bad. "Urgency" doesn't even begin to do justice to the 9-1-1 alarm that is going off in your butt when all of that hits your back door. My advice would be to make the bathroom your home until this passes. Any other game plan is going to leave you doing a lot of gagging and mopping. Hope you feel better soon!

So, there you have it - a poo overview. I wish you all lots of Grumpers, and the occasional corny snake to change things up!

A New Year's Resolution For Your Colon

Like you, your colon has just kicked off 2009 as well; working hard every day to make sure you don't get backed up.

Would you like to say thank you, I appreciate you, I would be in awful pain without you?

Say it with something healthy and whole whole grain. The way to your colon's heart is through fiber my friends.

From Wikipedia: On average, North Americans consume less than 50% of the dietary fiber levels required for good health. In the preferred food choices of today's youth, this value may be as low as 20%, a factor considered by experts as contributing to the obesity crisis seen in many developed countries.

Recognizing the growing scientific evidence for physiological benefits of increased fiber intake, regulatory agencies such as the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) have given approvals to food products making health claims for fiber.

In clinical trials to date, these fiber sources were shown to significantly reduce blood cholesterol levels, an important factor for general cardiovascular health, and to lower risk of onset for some types of cancer.

Soluble (fermentable) fiber sources gaining FDA approval are

* Psyllium seed husk (7 grams per day)

* Beta-glucan from oat bran, whole oats, oatrim or rolled oats (3 grams per day)

* Beta-glucan from whole grain or dry-milled barley (3 grams per day)

Other examples of fermentable fiber sources (from plant foods or biotechnology) used in functional foods and supplements include inulin, resistant dextrins, fructans, xanthan gum, cellulose, guar gum, fructooligosaccharides (FOS) and oligo- or polysaccharides.

Consistent intake of fermentable fiber through foods like berries and other fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains, seeds and nuts is now known to reduce risk of some of the world’s most prevalent diseases — obesity, diabetes, high blood cholesterol, cardiovascular disease, and numerous gastrointestinal disorders. In this last category are constipation, inflammatory bowel disease, ulcerative colitis, hemorrhoids, Crohn’s disease, diverticulitis, and colon cancer — all disorders of the intestinal tract where fermentable fiber can provide healthful benefits.

Insufficient fiber in the diet can complicate defecation. Low-fiber feces are dehydrated and hardened, making them difficult to evacuate — defining constipation and possibly leading to development of hemorrhoids or anal fissures.

Although many researchers believe that dietary fiber intake reduces risk of colon cancer, one study conducted by researchers at the Harvard School of Medicine of over 88,000 women did not show a statistically significant relationship between higher fiber consumption and lower rates of colorectal cancer or adenomas.

So let's bulk up our colons in 2009 and really show our rectum we care! Happy New Year to you all, and to all a good poo!

And another thing...

Oh... And Happy New Year!!!

Christmas POO talk

After our lovely (1st annual?) Christmas POO talk I would  like to share: I think caught what Miss D was describing...maybe it is sympathy POO...