"I'll take a Type 3 to go please"

It is wise to know your poo. In an effort to help you get more acquainted, I will attempt to supplement the turd sandwich board above, by providing some of the street lingo for the categories listed.

Type 1 poo is what is commonly referred to as Squirrel Poo. More than anything, they are enormously dissatisfying! It is one thing to make a baby smile by impersonating a little animal, and quite another to visit the loo and have your butt produce something a little forest creature should have left in the woods. Fiber will soften those little bad boys and link them together, making for a much more human looking poo.

Type 2 and 3 poos are your standard Grumpers. These are nice, healthy dukeys you can flush with pride and satisfaction -- bravo!

Type 4 turds do indeed take their street name from the description above of being snake-like. These are easy to leave off in a new pool, and generally easy to read [such as "corny" or "when did I have sesame seeds?" Depending on size, you could have anything from a little water Eel to a giant Anacanda knocking at your back door.

Type 5 is also known as Smoothy Poo. They have a tendency to ooze out and curl up on the side of the toilet bowl, looking like a gross version of soft serve ice cream. And no, eating soft serve won't give you a chronic case of Smoothy Poo. You most probably ate something that didn't quite agree with you though. Flush it down, and hope for a Grumper sort of day real soon.

Now we are getting in to some real sketchy territory.....

Type 6 poo can be caused by several different things, as evidenced by the variety of street names it goes by. Salad Shooter and Whiskey Butt being among the most common. Don't let the word "fluffy" in the description fool you, you definitely don't want to a Type 6er any longer than you have to be. A little less tequila, no more salad off the Roach Coach - do whatever it takes to get back to the lower number levels of poopydom.

Type 7 poo is no place to be my friends. This is I-could-shit-through-a-tennis-racket-at-50-paces-and-not-hit-a-strand type condition. Your butt is basically passing reclaimed sewer water. You are sick and you probably smell bad. "Urgency" doesn't even begin to do justice to the 9-1-1 alarm that is going off in your butt when all of that hits your back door. My advice would be to make the bathroom your home until this passes. Any other game plan is going to leave you doing a lot of gagging and mopping. Hope you feel better soon!

So, there you have it - a poo overview. I wish you all lots of Grumpers, and the occasional corny snake to change things up!